Smoking Hookah is an artform, we all know this. However, there is plenty of room for amateur smokers to join the hookah community. Being a pro hookah smoker doesn't necessarily mean you have to smoke hookah every day and come up with elaborate shisha mixes (although it will certainly help your credibility), it just means you have to know what you're doing. More importantly, you should definitely know what not to do if you want to smoke with the true pros.
We've compiled a list of common and/or hilarious hookah mistakes that any amateur smoker should learn to avoid before developing any bad hookah habits. Some of these are funnier than others, and some are plain common sense, but nonetheless, all these fails should be avoided if you want to be considered a true hookah pro.
1. Mamas, don't let your babies smoke your hookah - After hours of scouring the internet for some the most hilarious or common hookah fails, this seemed to come up quite often. Babies smoking hookah! While your smoke output may smell delectable to your youngster, we cannot in good conscience allow this behavior to persist without interjecting. Although it is up to your own parental consent, we cannot stress enough that hookah smoke is not much safer for a child than any other form of smoke.
Additionally, if you get a little too buzzed too quickly, you run the risk of missing out on the best clouds because you had to throw in the towel before the bowl really started cookin'.
If you find yourself heading down a particularly lengthy tangent in conversation, be sure to pass the hose off first. It's a simple courtesy that goes a long way.
4. Don't smoke and drive - Admittedly, this hookah fail is not terribly common. But seriously, some people smoke a full hookah while driving! While it sounds awesome in theory, in practice we can only surmise that this is no safer than texting and driving. This is not a recommended method for smoking your shisha, since there are more pressing matters at hand (i.e. other peoples' lives) and hookah smoking is designed for relaxation.
5. Don't melt your Kaloud Lotus in the oven - This is hilariously common, and is basically an absolute no-no when it comes to the Kaloud Lotus, according to the official statement on the Kaloud website. While we understand the premise of pre-heating up your Kaloud Lotus in the oven, just don't do it. You will ruin it and void the warranty.
The point of heating the Lotus up is to speed up the heating process so the coals don't have to do all the work; but as mentioned, if you heat it up for too long, you will almost definitely melt the Lotus and destroy it. At some point, you will notice your Lotus looks more like the T-1000 than the Kaloud Lotus.
See below for what not to do.
Lastly, regular BBQcoals are not a good substitute unless you're into Mesquite-smoked Starbuzz Blue Mist. Even the unflavored BBQ coals have too much of a wood flavor to use on your hookah bowl. Seriously, buy more coals if you're fresh out! You'll come across as more of a hookah pro if you can effectively explain to your novice friends why not smoking hookah at all is better than using a janky substitute. Not that we don't give an 'A' for effort to the person creative enough to come up with such a concoction as shown below.
7. Hookahs ARE NOT Bongs - Let's be honest. One of the quickest ways to tell if someone is an amateur hookah smoker is to hear them refer to their hookah as a "bong". We know what bongs are implicitly used for, and nothing more needs to be said about them. Hookahs - and we cannot emphasize this enough - are NOT bongs. If you are looking to be a serious hookah aficionado, you should never use the terms 'bong' and 'hookah' interchangeably. Not only are they not the same (bongs generally do not have hoses), but if you use anything other than good shisha tobacco, herbal shisha or vapor stones in your hookah, it will damage the integrity of the hookah by way of ghosting disgusting flavor in your hoses, bowls and shafts.
Additionally, any true hookah smoker will look at your like you're crazy if you refer to your hookah as a bong. I mean, you would never refer to your bong as a hookah, would you? While these two things may be in a similar family, they are simply not the same. It's sort of the same difference between penny loafers and flip-flops.